No narration. Just speech.
"Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another thrilling game between the home team and another significantly better one. I'm Dirk Cunningham."
"And I hate this game."
"And it's undoubtedly going to be another shitshow today. Yesterday was perhaps the biggest blowout in this game's history, 172 to 5."
"Also worth mentioning that those 5 points were actually spotted to the home team before the game began, and they scored literally no times."
"Truly, we have the worst team in the league."
"That's right, Dirk. I hate them and I hate myself for being here."
"It's really enough to just make you want to stab yourself with a rusty cocktail spoon."
"That it is. The other team, of course, the second-worst team in the league with a record of 12 wins and 17 losses at this early point in the season, compared with our team's 31 losses and somehow -2 wins."
"I'm not really sure how that works, but who am I to question how stunningly awful our team actually is."
"The group of haphazard rejects is taking the field now, and honestly I'm surprised nobody tripped on the grass on their way out there."
"That would certainly be a sight to see."
"And something actually worth watching. Instead we get this ...game?"
"I'll tell you, Steve, I have no idea how the people on this team get paid to do this. It's daylight robbery, really."
"I don't know how we get paid to do this!"
"It's daylight robbery, really."
"I'm receiving word from the owner that we shouldn't be swearing on air, but honestly, I think that's nonsense."
"I mean, who's even listening to us? I'm pretty sure there are more people from the organization listening than there are random people gaining some kind of sick enjoyment out of this."
"If I wasn't being paid to be here, I wouldn't even know who any of our players are."
"Do you know any of them now?"
"I'm trying not to, Dirk."
"Me too."
"I'm receiving an email from a fan right now. Did you know we had fans?"
"I didn't know we had an audience."
"The email reads 'Hey Dirk and Steve, don't listen to those fucking assholes who told you not to swear, you two are the only thing that makes this team bearable.' "
"Well I don't know what management is going to think of that email, but you were just reading what someone else said, so you can hardly be faulted for that."
"It's true, Dirk. I read anything put in front of me indiscriminately, and they knew that when they hired me. I listed it as one of my strengths."
"You read anything put in front of you?"
"Anything. I'm like Ron Burgundy."
"So if I were to put ...this... in front of you?"
"I hereby give all my possessions to Satan so that he may rule over me for a thousand years of darkness."
"That's uncanny and disturbing."
"Don't I know it."
"It turns out there's sports happening, and after two minutes of play we're already down by 9."
"This game already shaping up to be a real barn burner, by which I mean it makes me want to go find a barn and burn it down."
"Me too, Steve."
"It will be Michael Berman's barn. The animals shall cook inside, and our dark saviour will rise again. All will bow in despair as he takes his rightful place as the king of all mankind, surrounded by hellfire and anguish. And I shall sit at his right hand, carrying out his wishes and razing the world to the ground!"
"In the time it took you to say that, we went down by another 3 points."
"Our team really are awful."
"They sure are, Steve."
2020-06-22 · Boss Music Intensifies
2020-06-15 · Accept the Unexpected
2020-06-08 · Failing The Test
2020-06-01 · Best Laid Plans
2020-05-25 · The End?
2020-05-18 · The Only Explanation
2020-05-11 · Personal Victory
2020-05-04 · Six Questions
2020-04-27 · It's A Team Effort
2020-04-20 · The More Things Change
2020-04-13 · It's All About Perspective
2020-04-06 · Fake It 'Til You Make It
2020-03-30 · Keeping It Clean
2020-03-23 · How To Save The World
2020-03-16 · Time For A Change
2020-03-09 · Music To My Ears
2020-03-02 · Unfamiliar Territory
2020-02-24 · Something From Nothing
2020-02-17 · The Times Are Changing
2020-02-10 · The Missing Piece
2020-02-03 · Wrong Place, Wrong Time
2020-01-27 · Overexposure
2020-01-20 · As Seen On TV
2020-01-13 · Written By A.I.
2020-01-06 · Promises Kept
2019-12-30 · Ringing It In
2019-12-23 · Happy Unspecified Seasonal Holiday!
2019-12-16 · The Lair
2019-12-09 · Time To Get Cracking
2019-12-02 · Not A Suicide
2019-11-25 · The One That Knows What Number It Is
2019-11-18 · Venting Frustrations
2019-11-11 · The Test Takers
2019-11-04 · Make Your Play
2019-10-28 · Horror With Smart People
2019-10-21 · The Interview
2019-10-14 · It Must Have Happened At Some Point
2019-10-07 · Work The Problem
2019-09-30 · Cogs in the Machine
2019-09-23 · First of One
2019-09-16 · Curse Your Inevitable Betrayal!
2019-09-09 · Be Brief
2019-09-02 · Changing Channels
2019-08-26 · It's A Process
2019-08-19 · Armed And Dangerous
2019-08-12 · Good Intentions
2019-08-05 · A Simple Procedure
2019-07-29 · Finale Feelings
2019-07-22 · Fun And Profit
2019-07-15 · It Builds Character
2019-07-08 · Aviator Safety
2019-06-24 · Something's Been Bugging Me
2019-06-17 · It's All About You
2019-05-27 · Rough Encounters
2019-05-20 · Wishes Three
2019-05-13 · A Gentle Nudge
2019-05-06 · A Simple Misunderstanding?
2019-04-29 · Don't Spoil It
2019-04-22 · Under Scrutiny
2019-04-15 · Prepare To Resist
2019-04-08 · Making Small Talk
2019-04-01 · The Crisis
2019-03-25 · Just Kidding
2019-03-18 · How About That Local Sports Team?
2019-03-11 · Public Engagement
2019-03-04 · The Hero We Need
2019-02-25 · The Negotiation
2019-02-18 · Executive Orders
2019-02-11 · The Talk
2019-02-04 · The Big Game
2019-01-28 · If It's A Girl...
2019-01-21 · The Nature Of Picasso
2019-01-14 · I'm Sorry, Ms. Jackson
2019-01-07 · Never Saw It Coming
2018-12-31 · Duelling ...Holidays?
2018-12-24 · Too Much Cheer
2018-12-17 · Taking Out The Trash
2018-12-10 · Let's Go To The Movies
2018-12-03 · Not For Donuts
2018-11-26 · Horizons Made Broad
2018-11-19 · It's The Journey That Matters
2018-11-12 · Anthing You Can Do...
2018-11-05 · Let's Call It "Laundry"
2018-10-29 · Unfriended
2018-10-22 · A Conversation About "Tacos"
2018-10-15 · Changes
2018-10-08 · An Adult-Sized Secret
2018-10-01 · Street War
2018-09-24 · Whither Whether Why
2018-09-17 · The Pitch
2018-09-10 · The One That's Meta
2018-09-03 · A Night At The Movies
2018-08-27 · We're Vampires
2018-08-20 · The Final Showdown
2018-08-13 · The End Of The World
2018-08-06 · A More Rational Kind Of Love
2018-07-30 · Death Troubles
2018-07-23 · True Love
2018-07-18 · At Least It's Not Des Moines