No narration. Just speech.
"I figured it out."
"Oh for the love of... What have you figured out?"
"I figured out how we get through this."
" 'This' meaning...?"
"Coronavirus. I figured out how to fix the Coronavirus."
"It's working pretty well, honestly. I'm not sure it needs fixing."
"No, really, I figured out what we need to do."
"Okay, fine, I'll bite: what do we all need to do to survive the Coronavirus?"
"Cash incentives and overflowing supermarkets."
"I understand all of those words on their own, but they don't make sense in that order."
"Okay. So. Preventing this thing from spreading means everyone has to stay home for three weeks, right?"
"That's what we're being told, yes."
"So to keep people at home, you promise them a cash reward. Don't leave the house for 21 days, and you get five thousand dollars."
"I see a number of things wrong with that plan. That number is greater than 2."
"Is that number 3?"
"So far. Please continue."
"Okay. You may be wondering: 'Where will the money come from?' "
"That is among the things I'm wondering, yes."
"There are less than 400 million people in Canada and the United States. Multiply that by five thousand and you get 2 trillion dollars."
"Congratulations on passing grade 2 math. Go on."
"The US government recently gave 1.5 trillion dollars to Wall Street. So the money is there. You just redirect it to the public."
"A public that will starve to death because there isn't enough food around for everyone to stockpile 3 weeks worth."
"That's where the overflowing supermarkets come in. You give everyone a week in which to buy the supplies they need for 3 weeks of isolation. And none of this 'buying 600 rolls of toilet paper' garbage. Those people are stupid."
"So stupid."
"Like, seriously, how much toilet paper do you go through? If you need that many rolls of toilet paper for 3 weeks in isolation, then you have bigger problems than the Coronavirus."
"Those people need to be kicked in the genitals until they spit out blood."
"That's ...a little extreme. I'd stop short of that."
"I wouldn't stop short until I hit their liver."
"...Anyhoo, moving on. Everyone gets a week to stock up for 3 weeks in isolation, during which time the supermarkets receive constant deliveries to keep up with demand. So over the course of a week, everyone gets their supplies. Then you shut the entire continent down."
"The whole thing?"
"The whole thing. Except for hospitals and such."
"And how does that work?"
"It kind of takes care of itself, really. Everyone's staying home, so there's nobody to man the stores anyway, so you just order every business not to open for three weeks. Or you can stretch it to a month if you want to be extra cautious."
"Okay, so assuming everyone stays home for a month, what do they do?"
"I don't care. Play games, watch Twitch, write a novel. Whatever they want to do to pass the time. The only thing that matters is nobody is allowed to leave their home."
"What about the homeless?"
"They can live in individual hotel rooms for the duration. Everyone else will be at home, so the hotels will be otherwise empty. They'll have access to shelter, showers, food left at their door, plentiful water... this will be good for them."
"And the infected?"
"They're the only ones allowed out. They've already got it, so they can't catch it. But they're only allowed to travel to a hospital or another medical care facility. Once they're checked in, they're in for 3 weeks whether they test positive or not."
"And so the point of all of this would be?"
"If everyone stays home for 3 weeks, then the virus is prevented from spreading. It will die off in a country of full isolation, and after those 3 weeks - or a month if you're sassy - both countries will be completely Coronavirus-free."
"Okay, so I get how this works in theory, but how do you plan on keeping the entire population of two countries in their homes for that long?"
"You mean aside from the cash incentive?"
"Yes. Because there will be people who try to sneak out and still claim the money."
"Snipers."
"Excuse me?"
"You plant snipers in every community, and if anyone tries to leave their home, the snipers shoot at the ground in front of them."
"And if they make a break for it?"
"How many kneecaps do you need, really?"
"So in addition to the financial benefit-"
"They're motivated by self preservation."
"Is it weird that I'm kind of on board with this plan?"
"I think it would be weird if you weren't."
"Okay, so now what?"
"I don't know. GoFundMe?"
" 'Help me kickstart martial law?' "
"Oh, I know - a change.org petition."
"You go ahead and set that up. I'm sure nothing will go wrong."
2020-06-22 · Boss Music Intensifies
2020-06-15 · Accept the Unexpected
2020-06-08 · Failing The Test
2020-06-01 · Best Laid Plans
2020-05-25 · The End?
2020-05-18 · The Only Explanation
2020-05-11 · Personal Victory
2020-05-04 · Six Questions
2020-04-27 · It's A Team Effort
2020-04-20 · The More Things Change
2020-04-13 · It's All About Perspective
2020-04-06 · Fake It 'Til You Make It
2020-03-30 · Keeping It Clean
2020-03-23 · How To Save The World
2020-03-16 · Time For A Change
2020-03-09 · Music To My Ears
2020-03-02 · Unfamiliar Territory
2020-02-24 · Something From Nothing
2020-02-17 · The Times Are Changing
2020-02-10 · The Missing Piece
2020-02-03 · Wrong Place, Wrong Time
2020-01-27 · Overexposure
2020-01-20 · As Seen On TV
2020-01-13 · Written By A.I.
2020-01-06 · Promises Kept
2019-12-30 · Ringing It In
2019-12-23 · Happy Unspecified Seasonal Holiday!
2019-12-16 · The Lair
2019-12-09 · Time To Get Cracking
2019-12-02 · Not A Suicide
2019-11-25 · The One That Knows What Number It Is
2019-11-18 · Venting Frustrations
2019-11-11 · The Test Takers
2019-11-04 · Make Your Play
2019-10-28 · Horror With Smart People
2019-10-21 · The Interview
2019-10-14 · It Must Have Happened At Some Point
2019-10-07 · Work The Problem
2019-09-30 · Cogs in the Machine
2019-09-23 · First of One
2019-09-16 · Curse Your Inevitable Betrayal!
2019-09-09 · Be Brief
2019-09-02 · Changing Channels
2019-08-26 · It's A Process
2019-08-19 · Armed And Dangerous
2019-08-12 · Good Intentions
2019-08-05 · A Simple Procedure
2019-07-29 · Finale Feelings
2019-07-22 · Fun And Profit
2019-07-15 · It Builds Character
2019-07-08 · Aviator Safety
2019-06-24 · Something's Been Bugging Me
2019-06-17 · It's All About You
2019-05-27 · Rough Encounters
2019-05-20 · Wishes Three
2019-05-13 · A Gentle Nudge
2019-05-06 · A Simple Misunderstanding?
2019-04-29 · Don't Spoil It
2019-04-22 · Under Scrutiny
2019-04-15 · Prepare To Resist
2019-04-08 · Making Small Talk
2019-04-01 · The Crisis
2019-03-25 · Just Kidding
2019-03-18 · How About That Local Sports Team?
2019-03-11 · Public Engagement
2019-03-04 · The Hero We Need
2019-02-25 · The Negotiation
2019-02-18 · Executive Orders
2019-02-11 · The Talk
2019-02-04 · The Big Game
2019-01-28 · If It's A Girl...
2019-01-21 · The Nature Of Picasso
2019-01-14 · I'm Sorry, Ms. Jackson
2019-01-07 · Never Saw It Coming
2018-12-31 · Duelling ...Holidays?
2018-12-24 · Too Much Cheer
2018-12-17 · Taking Out The Trash
2018-12-10 · Let's Go To The Movies
2018-12-03 · Not For Donuts
2018-11-26 · Horizons Made Broad
2018-11-19 · It's The Journey That Matters
2018-11-12 · Anthing You Can Do...
2018-11-05 · Let's Call It "Laundry"
2018-10-29 · Unfriended
2018-10-22 · A Conversation About "Tacos"
2018-10-15 · Changes
2018-10-08 · An Adult-Sized Secret
2018-10-01 · Street War
2018-09-24 · Whither Whether Why
2018-09-17 · The Pitch
2018-09-10 · The One That's Meta
2018-09-03 · A Night At The Movies
2018-08-27 · We're Vampires
2018-08-20 · The Final Showdown
2018-08-13 · The End Of The World
2018-08-06 · A More Rational Kind Of Love
2018-07-30 · Death Troubles
2018-07-23 · True Love
2018-07-18 · At Least It's Not Des Moines