No narration. Just speech.
"Okay babe, it's time."
"Are you ready?"
"I'm ready. Are you ready?"
"I think so."
"You think so?"
"...I'm ready. What does it say?"
"There's four blue lines."
"Wait, four? I thought it was one or two?"
"I don't know, babe, there's four of them."
"Well that can't be right."
"It's okay, I bought like twelve of these."
"And you used them all?"
"I drank a lot of water today."
"Okay. What does that one say?"
"This one has a circle on it."
"Well that's not helpful at all. What's the next one say?"
"This one just turned orange."
"That's even less than helpful."
"Why can't they make one of these that just says 'You are pregnant' or 'Sorry try again'?"
"Babe, I don't know. What about those ones?"
"This one says -3."
"That's not even ...does it mean you're negative three weeks pregnant?"
"I am a magical being."
"Apparently so. Here, let me look at one."
"Okay."
"This one has two dots, a dash, and a question mark."
"You're lying."
"I'm not lying, look at this."
"Well I'll be... okay, how about this one?"
"This one has the New York Mets logo on it."
"Yeah, it was a giveaway at the stadium."
"They really are chasing that youth demo, aren't they?"
"What does it say?"
"That is also the New York Mets logo."
"At least they're consistent."
"Hey, this one has words on it."
"Finally. What does it say?"
"'Drink your Ovaltine'."
"Well that's not useful."
"Okay, this one's branded 'clean and simple'."
"Is that good?"
"I hope so. What does it say?"
"It's empty."
"I guess that's the 'clean and simple' part. Does the box say what that means?"
"The box says it means both pregnant and that I'm a turtle."
"What does it say should show if you're not pregnant?"
"That's not listed."
"What if this is all just a big brain play by the government to increase stress in pregnant mothers so that they miscarry, thus keeping the population down and ensuring those who are alive are overly medicated so that they can't think clearly to make good decisions?"
"Do you really think the government is trying to keep my vagina empty?"
"They're trying to do everything else to it, why not that?"
"...Anyhoo..."
"What does that one say?"
"This one has a rainbow in the window."
"Meaning we're having a gay child?"
"Technology can detect so much so early now, it's uncanny."
"I really wish one of these would just say in plain English whether we're having a baby."
"This one's wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving."
"How did it know?"
"What about that one?"
"This one ...is going straight in the fireplace."
"What?"
"Trust me, you don't want to see what this one has to say."
"It's that confusing?"
"It's that insulting."
"Oh. Wow."
"Right?"
"Okay, here's one. This one has a picture of a baby-"
"So you're pregnant?"
"-getting stabbed."
"Who puts that in a pregnancy test?"
"This one has a monkey riding a camel."
"So you're growing a zoo inside of you?"
"You know what? This is crazy. Let's just go to the doctor tomorrow and ask her."
"There's still one left that we haven't looked at."
"I almost don't even care any more."
"Let's at least take a look at it."
"Okay fine. You do it."
"Okay. This one says you're not pregnant."
"Really? How does it say that, is it a minus sign shooting an x?"
"Nope, it actually says 'not pregnant'."
"So after all that, we finally get a straight answer, and it was all for nothing."
"Seems like. No immaculate conception today."
"See, I told you the Bible was full of lies."
2020-06-22 · Boss Music Intensifies
2020-06-15 · Accept the Unexpected
2020-06-08 · Failing The Test
2020-06-01 · Best Laid Plans
2020-05-25 · The End?
2020-05-18 · The Only Explanation
2020-05-11 · Personal Victory
2020-05-04 · Six Questions
2020-04-27 · It's A Team Effort
2020-04-20 · The More Things Change
2020-04-13 · It's All About Perspective
2020-04-06 · Fake It 'Til You Make It
2020-03-30 · Keeping It Clean
2020-03-23 · How To Save The World
2020-03-16 · Time For A Change
2020-03-09 · Music To My Ears
2020-03-02 · Unfamiliar Territory
2020-02-24 · Something From Nothing
2020-02-17 · The Times Are Changing
2020-02-10 · The Missing Piece
2020-02-03 · Wrong Place, Wrong Time
2020-01-27 · Overexposure
2020-01-20 · As Seen On TV
2020-01-13 · Written By A.I.
2020-01-06 · Promises Kept
2019-12-30 · Ringing It In
2019-12-23 · Happy Unspecified Seasonal Holiday!
2019-12-16 · The Lair
2019-12-09 · Time To Get Cracking
2019-12-02 · Not A Suicide
2019-11-25 · The One That Knows What Number It Is
2019-11-18 · Venting Frustrations
2019-11-11 · The Test Takers
2019-11-04 · Make Your Play
2019-10-28 · Horror With Smart People
2019-10-21 · The Interview
2019-10-14 · It Must Have Happened At Some Point
2019-10-07 · Work The Problem
2019-09-30 · Cogs in the Machine
2019-09-23 · First of One
2019-09-16 · Curse Your Inevitable Betrayal!
2019-09-09 · Be Brief
2019-09-02 · Changing Channels
2019-08-26 · It's A Process
2019-08-19 · Armed And Dangerous
2019-08-12 · Good Intentions
2019-08-05 · A Simple Procedure
2019-07-29 · Finale Feelings
2019-07-22 · Fun And Profit
2019-07-15 · It Builds Character
2019-07-08 · Aviator Safety
2019-06-24 · Something's Been Bugging Me
2019-06-17 · It's All About You
2019-05-27 · Rough Encounters
2019-05-20 · Wishes Three
2019-05-13 · A Gentle Nudge
2019-05-06 · A Simple Misunderstanding?
2019-04-29 · Don't Spoil It
2019-04-22 · Under Scrutiny
2019-04-15 · Prepare To Resist
2019-04-08 · Making Small Talk
2019-04-01 · The Crisis
2019-03-25 · Just Kidding
2019-03-18 · How About That Local Sports Team?
2019-03-11 · Public Engagement
2019-03-04 · The Hero We Need
2019-02-25 · The Negotiation
2019-02-18 · Executive Orders
2019-02-11 · The Talk
2019-02-04 · The Big Game
2019-01-28 · If It's A Girl...
2019-01-21 · The Nature Of Picasso
2019-01-14 · I'm Sorry, Ms. Jackson
2019-01-07 · Never Saw It Coming
2018-12-31 · Duelling ...Holidays?
2018-12-24 · Too Much Cheer
2018-12-17 · Taking Out The Trash
2018-12-10 · Let's Go To The Movies
2018-12-03 · Not For Donuts
2018-11-26 · Horizons Made Broad
2018-11-19 · It's The Journey That Matters
2018-11-12 · Anthing You Can Do...
2018-11-05 · Let's Call It "Laundry"
2018-10-29 · Unfriended
2018-10-22 · A Conversation About "Tacos"
2018-10-15 · Changes
2018-10-08 · An Adult-Sized Secret
2018-10-01 · Street War
2018-09-24 · Whither Whether Why
2018-09-17 · The Pitch
2018-09-10 · The One That's Meta
2018-09-03 · A Night At The Movies
2018-08-27 · We're Vampires
2018-08-20 · The Final Showdown
2018-08-13 · The End Of The World
2018-08-06 · A More Rational Kind Of Love
2018-07-30 · Death Troubles
2018-07-23 · True Love
2018-07-18 · At Least It's Not Des Moines