No narration. Just speech.
"I have a plan."
"Oh good."
"It starts with that ping pong table."
"As do most of my plans. Continue."
"We flip that onto its side, to get the top facing sideways. That will give us protection."
"I like it so far. What's next?"
"Next we make a loud noise, to frighten it into releasing its stench."
"I like it less now."
"Don't worry: we'll be behind the ping pong table, and we'll be wearing these garbage bags over our clothes, and clear plastic bags over our heads. We won't get any of it on us."
"Your plan for keeping the stench off of us is to put our heads in plastic bags?"
"We'll keep them open in the back. It'll be fine."
"I'm skeptical, but okay."
"After it's released its stench-"
"Can we call it stank?"
"Sure, why not. After it's released its stank, it will be tired. We'll swing out around the left side of the ping pong table, chasing it towards the dumbwaiter, where Mary will leap out and clap two pot lids together to redirect it to the open window. Then we close the window behind it, and burn the ping pong table."
"What? Why?"
"Because it will be covered in skunk stank, which is a surprisingly difficult tongue twister."
"Can't we just wash it with tomato juice?"
"Charlie, you and I both know what that table's been through. Setting it on fire is a mercy killing."
"That's fair. Okay, I'm ready."
"Flip the table!"
"Flipping the table!"
"Don protective plastic!"
"Donning protective plastic!"
"Man, it's harder to breathe in this bag than I thought it would be."
"I told you."
"Anyway, enough of that now; we're set. Are you ready?"
"No. Let's do this."
"Produce loud noise!"
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"Oh God! It backfired! It's chasing me!"
"Run around the table!"
"The legs are in the way! It's crawling up my pant leg!"
"The table?"
"Yes, the table is crawling up my pant leg. No you idiot, the skunk!"
"Well shake it out!"
"Can't breathe. Can't..."
"Hey Jeff, you awake?"
"How long was I out, did we win?"
"About 15 minutes. We decidedly did not win."
"What happened?"
"The skunk ran up your pants and you passed out from lack of air. I told you those bags were a bad idea."
"Never mind that now. I have a plan."
"Is it a better one? Because the last one wasn't so hot."
"Last time we tried to scare it away. This time, we'll lure it away."
"How are we going to do that?"
"I have some carrots in the fridge that we all know I'm never going to eat. I'll just sit by the window holding one out, and when it comes over to take it, I'll draw it outside and close the window behind it."
"I don't know if skunks eat carrots. That sounds more like a rabbit thing."
"It's the only vegetable in this place."
"We really need to eat more healthy."
"One miracle at a time. Okay, here we go. Come here, skunky."
"I don't think it's working. The skunk is just sitting there."
"It'll work, animals love vegetables."
"You know, it's actually kind of cute like this."
"Stop it. That animal is vermin, and we need to get rid of it."
"Maybe. But I think your plan is backfiring."
"Why do you say that? It's neutral at worst."
"Because I can see out the window."
"What's out the window- oh god, more animals are coming!"
"Close the window!"
"I can't, it's jammed!"
"It's stuck ajar?"
"It's a jar of jam!"
"Now is not the time for jokes, there are squirrels coming in!"
"I can't help it, it's how I cope!"
"Just close the window!"
"Come over here and help me!"
"Okay!"
"Gah. Okay, let's assess the damage."
"Well, we started with one skunk."
"And now we have a skunk, three squirrels, at least two chipmunks, and somehow a family of raccoons."
"Maybe we should open a petting zoo?"
"Are you crazy? That's lunacy. I just need to think."
"Well think faster, the squirrels are eating our potato chips."
"It'll come to me, just give me a minute."
"No need: I have a plan."
"You have a plan?"
"I have a plan."
"Well, mine haven't worked so far, what have you got?"
"We set up the ladles and spatulas so that the animals can drink out of them, but as the water disappears, they inch closer to the precariously stacked books."
"I... what?"
"When they hit the books, the books will fall off the table onto the floor, creating a loud bang. The animals will scatter! But we'll have the pots set up so that no matter where they run to, they'll enter a pot. Each pot will have a trap set up to close the lids on them, containing the animals in cookware."
"How do we accomplish that?"
"We prop the lids up on sticks. How else would we do it? The problem is, we won't know which animal goes in which pot until it's too late, so we can't afford to touch any of them, lest we get sprayed with skunk stank."
"I appreciate the callback."
"Thank you. That's why the pots will all all be set up with a counterweight, so that once the animal enters, the pot is hoisted up by a rope strung over the exposed pipes in the ceiling - we'll have to expose the pipes in the ceiling, by the way - a rope strung over the exposed pipes in the ceiling, which will launch the pots with great speed towards the window, which we will again have to open."
"This plan sounds-"
"Mary will be there with salad spoons and a cleaver to catch the cookware and leave the animals to continue through the window, which we will then slam behind them, keeping the animals out, and us safe inside."
"I think this is a bad plan."
"Too late, I prepared most of it while you were unconscious. Take a look around and bask in its beauty."
"My God. It's like Rube Goldberg's House of Horrors."
"The animals are already drinking from the ladles. Let's hide behind the ping pong table so we won't spook them."
"And according to you, this will all happen automatically?"
"Yes. Except for Mary's part. But she's a freaking ninja, so she'll be fine."
"Maybe we should just call animal control?"
"No, it's too late for that. This is happening."
"There's no way this will work."
"We're about to find out... and there they go!"
"Wow, they actually ran into the- and the lids closed- the counterwei- when did Mary learn to do that!?"
"I told you, dude, she's a ninja."
"I guess so. Quick, close the window!"
"And we're done."
"One problem though."
"Yeah, what's that?"
"The skunk is still here."
"Oh. I mean, it's actually pretty cute if you take a look at it."
"I'm not going to- why are you petting it?"
"Come on, it's nice and soft. You should get in on this."
"It's vermin!"
"Nonsense! It's a soft cuddly animal, and it loves me- Oh God it sprayed me!"
2020-06-22 · Boss Music Intensifies
2020-06-15 · Accept the Unexpected
2020-06-08 · Failing The Test
2020-06-01 · Best Laid Plans
2020-05-25 · The End?
2020-05-18 · The Only Explanation
2020-05-11 · Personal Victory
2020-05-04 · Six Questions
2020-04-27 · It's A Team Effort
2020-04-20 · The More Things Change
2020-04-13 · It's All About Perspective
2020-04-06 · Fake It 'Til You Make It
2020-03-30 · Keeping It Clean
2020-03-23 · How To Save The World
2020-03-16 · Time For A Change
2020-03-09 · Music To My Ears
2020-03-02 · Unfamiliar Territory
2020-02-24 · Something From Nothing
2020-02-17 · The Times Are Changing
2020-02-10 · The Missing Piece
2020-02-03 · Wrong Place, Wrong Time
2020-01-27 · Overexposure
2020-01-20 · As Seen On TV
2020-01-13 · Written By A.I.
2020-01-06 · Promises Kept
2019-12-30 · Ringing It In
2019-12-23 · Happy Unspecified Seasonal Holiday!
2019-12-16 · The Lair
2019-12-09 · Time To Get Cracking
2019-12-02 · Not A Suicide
2019-11-25 · The One That Knows What Number It Is
2019-11-18 · Venting Frustrations
2019-11-11 · The Test Takers
2019-11-04 · Make Your Play
2019-10-28 · Horror With Smart People
2019-10-21 · The Interview
2019-10-14 · It Must Have Happened At Some Point
2019-10-07 · Work The Problem
2019-09-30 · Cogs in the Machine
2019-09-23 · First of One
2019-09-16 · Curse Your Inevitable Betrayal!
2019-09-09 · Be Brief
2019-09-02 · Changing Channels
2019-08-26 · It's A Process
2019-08-19 · Armed And Dangerous
2019-08-12 · Good Intentions
2019-08-05 · A Simple Procedure
2019-07-29 · Finale Feelings
2019-07-22 · Fun And Profit
2019-07-15 · It Builds Character
2019-07-08 · Aviator Safety
2019-06-24 · Something's Been Bugging Me
2019-06-17 · It's All About You
2019-05-27 · Rough Encounters
2019-05-20 · Wishes Three
2019-05-13 · A Gentle Nudge
2019-05-06 · A Simple Misunderstanding?
2019-04-29 · Don't Spoil It
2019-04-22 · Under Scrutiny
2019-04-15 · Prepare To Resist
2019-04-08 · Making Small Talk
2019-04-01 · The Crisis
2019-03-25 · Just Kidding
2019-03-18 · How About That Local Sports Team?
2019-03-11 · Public Engagement
2019-03-04 · The Hero We Need
2019-02-25 · The Negotiation
2019-02-18 · Executive Orders
2019-02-11 · The Talk
2019-02-04 · The Big Game
2019-01-28 · If It's A Girl...
2019-01-21 · The Nature Of Picasso
2019-01-14 · I'm Sorry, Ms. Jackson
2019-01-07 · Never Saw It Coming
2018-12-31 · Duelling ...Holidays?
2018-12-24 · Too Much Cheer
2018-12-17 · Taking Out The Trash
2018-12-10 · Let's Go To The Movies
2018-12-03 · Not For Donuts
2018-11-26 · Horizons Made Broad
2018-11-19 · It's The Journey That Matters
2018-11-12 · Anthing You Can Do...
2018-11-05 · Let's Call It "Laundry"
2018-10-29 · Unfriended
2018-10-22 · A Conversation About "Tacos"
2018-10-15 · Changes
2018-10-08 · An Adult-Sized Secret
2018-10-01 · Street War
2018-09-24 · Whither Whether Why
2018-09-17 · The Pitch
2018-09-10 · The One That's Meta
2018-09-03 · A Night At The Movies
2018-08-27 · We're Vampires
2018-08-20 · The Final Showdown
2018-08-13 · The End Of The World
2018-08-06 · A More Rational Kind Of Love
2018-07-30 · Death Troubles
2018-07-23 · True Love
2018-07-18 · At Least It's Not Des Moines