No narration. Just speech.
"HOH, WHO HAS FREED ME FROM MY SLUMBER?"
"Holy shit, you're a genie!"
"Was it you then?"
"Yeah, it was me."
"Why would you do that? I was watching Game of Thrones."
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"Eh, don't be."
"Tivo going to get the rest for you?"
"...Sure, let's go with that."
"So hi, uh... what's your name?"
"My name is unpronouncable with only one tongue."
"Well that must suck. How many tongues do you have?"
"In my mouth?"
"Where else would you have a- you know what, don't answer that."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
"The answer may surprise you."
"I'll bet it won't."
"Oh come on."
"Don't I get something for freeing you? I've seen movies, the person who frees the genie always gets stuff."
"Yes, you get three wishes."
"What kind of wishes?"
"Any kind. You can wish for wealth, fame, prosperity-"
"A sandwich?"
"I mean, it would kind of be a waste of a wish, but yes, you could wish for a sandwich."
"Does it have to be for me?"
"It can be a sandwich for anyone."
"No, I mean the wish. Does it have to be something for me, or can it be something like world peace?"
"I am the most powerful being in all creation. If you desire it, I can bring it to pass. But be careful, for if your wish is not worded precisely how you want it, the results may be unexpected and devastating."
"Why did you change colour just now?"
"It happens when I shift my power around. It has to warm up a little before use."
"And that makes you turn puke green?"
"I'm not crazy about it either, but here we are."
"I'm so sorry dude."
"I'm used to it."
"How long have you been in there, anyway?"
"What time is it?"
"About 2pm."
"I've been in there for 1800 years."
"Dude, that sucks."
"You'd think so, but it's actually really nice in there. The neighbours are quiet, there are lots of dogs, and I don't have to pay for cable."
"I feel like you're messing with me."
"I really am. So do you have any wishes?"
"Do I have to use them now?"
"It would be polite to use them now. You interrupted Game of Thrones, after all."
"Okay. Can I use one now, and then save the other two for later like you're a really powerful Alexa?"
"I'm not sure whether that should offend me."
"Probably. Alexa's kind of shit."
"Yes, you can use one now, then return me to the lamp and call me back out when you are ready for the next one. Just please be more considerate with your timing next time. There's a Breaking Bad marathon on next week that I don't want to miss."
"That's fair. My first wish."
"Yes."
"Do you have any kind of grand proclamation or something, that you like to do before receiving a wish?"
"No, you can just go ahead."
"Okay. I wish for men to be the ones who get pregnant and have to give birth to babies."
"What? Why?"
"I mean, if you can't do it..."
"I can do it, but ...why?"
"Because maybe if they understand what it's like to accidentally be pregnant, and have to choose between keeping it and losing your autonomy, or giving it up and being shunned and chastized, then they'll stop trying to make laws that make abortion illegal, and that place restrictions on what women can do with their own bodies."
"That's a deep fucking hole."
"It's necessary right now. Apparently it's the only way to get through to those morons."
"You do know that you're a man too, right?"
"I do."
"And that doesn't concern you at all?"
"It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. I'm the hero this world needs right now. One who will force men to get pregnant and give birth, so that they'll stop being such cunts to women. Oh, but leave all the other animals out of it - I only want this to apply to human males."
"Okay then. This will require a lot of power, which means you're going to get one hell of a light show. Are you epileptic?"
"Not that I know of."
"Are you allergic to shellfish?"
"No."
"Did you hear Laurel or Yanni?"
"Laurel. Wait- why? Is that important?"
"No, I'm just curious. Prepare your body. Literally."
"Consider my loins girded."
"BY MY POWER, THE FIRST OF THE WISHES THREE, WILL COME TO BE."
"Dude, that was fucking sick."
"I know, right?"
"And it's done?"
"Yes, look down at yourself."
"Heh. I have boobs."
"Look further down."
"Wait, really? That's awesome!"
"How did you think it would work?"
"I kind of assumed they would all just be C-sections."
"I don't do anything halfway."
"I'm impressed."
"One wish is exhausted, two wishes remain. What is your next wish?"
"You know what? I'm good."
"Shall I return to the lamp then, until you need me again?"
"No, I mean I'm done. I don't have any more wishes."
"Really? You could ask for a fortune, or women, or men, or to never be hungry or thirsty again, or anything else you want."
"You just gave me proper gender relations and world peace. What more could I ask for?"
"You did say something about a sandwich earlier."
"...You're a good egg, genie. I'll keep you around."
"Excellent. Now I shall return to the lamp. Jaime was about to head to King's Landing to kill his sister."
"The outcome may surprise you."
2020-06-22 · Boss Music Intensifies
2020-06-15 · Accept the Unexpected
2020-06-08 · Failing The Test
2020-06-01 · Best Laid Plans
2020-05-25 · The End?
2020-05-18 · The Only Explanation
2020-05-11 · Personal Victory
2020-05-04 · Six Questions
2020-04-27 · It's A Team Effort
2020-04-20 · The More Things Change
2020-04-13 · It's All About Perspective
2020-04-06 · Fake It 'Til You Make It
2020-03-30 · Keeping It Clean
2020-03-23 · How To Save The World
2020-03-16 · Time For A Change
2020-03-09 · Music To My Ears
2020-03-02 · Unfamiliar Territory
2020-02-24 · Something From Nothing
2020-02-17 · The Times Are Changing
2020-02-10 · The Missing Piece
2020-02-03 · Wrong Place, Wrong Time
2020-01-27 · Overexposure
2020-01-20 · As Seen On TV
2020-01-13 · Written By A.I.
2020-01-06 · Promises Kept
2019-12-30 · Ringing It In
2019-12-23 · Happy Unspecified Seasonal Holiday!
2019-12-16 · The Lair
2019-12-09 · Time To Get Cracking
2019-12-02 · Not A Suicide
2019-11-25 · The One That Knows What Number It Is
2019-11-18 · Venting Frustrations
2019-11-11 · The Test Takers
2019-11-04 · Make Your Play
2019-10-28 · Horror With Smart People
2019-10-21 · The Interview
2019-10-14 · It Must Have Happened At Some Point
2019-10-07 · Work The Problem
2019-09-30 · Cogs in the Machine
2019-09-23 · First of One
2019-09-16 · Curse Your Inevitable Betrayal!
2019-09-09 · Be Brief
2019-09-02 · Changing Channels
2019-08-26 · It's A Process
2019-08-19 · Armed And Dangerous
2019-08-12 · Good Intentions
2019-08-05 · A Simple Procedure
2019-07-29 · Finale Feelings
2019-07-22 · Fun And Profit
2019-07-15 · It Builds Character
2019-07-08 · Aviator Safety
2019-06-24 · Something's Been Bugging Me
2019-06-17 · It's All About You
2019-05-27 · Rough Encounters
2019-05-20 · Wishes Three
2019-05-13 · A Gentle Nudge
2019-05-06 · A Simple Misunderstanding?
2019-04-29 · Don't Spoil It
2019-04-22 · Under Scrutiny
2019-04-15 · Prepare To Resist
2019-04-08 · Making Small Talk
2019-04-01 · The Crisis
2019-03-25 · Just Kidding
2019-03-18 · How About That Local Sports Team?
2019-03-11 · Public Engagement
2019-03-04 · The Hero We Need
2019-02-25 · The Negotiation
2019-02-18 · Executive Orders
2019-02-11 · The Talk
2019-02-04 · The Big Game
2019-01-28 · If It's A Girl...
2019-01-21 · The Nature Of Picasso
2019-01-14 · I'm Sorry, Ms. Jackson
2019-01-07 · Never Saw It Coming
2018-12-31 · Duelling ...Holidays?
2018-12-24 · Too Much Cheer
2018-12-17 · Taking Out The Trash
2018-12-10 · Let's Go To The Movies
2018-12-03 · Not For Donuts
2018-11-26 · Horizons Made Broad
2018-11-19 · It's The Journey That Matters
2018-11-12 · Anthing You Can Do...
2018-11-05 · Let's Call It "Laundry"
2018-10-29 · Unfriended
2018-10-22 · A Conversation About "Tacos"
2018-10-15 · Changes
2018-10-08 · An Adult-Sized Secret
2018-10-01 · Street War
2018-09-24 · Whither Whether Why
2018-09-17 · The Pitch
2018-09-10 · The One That's Meta
2018-09-03 · A Night At The Movies
2018-08-27 · We're Vampires
2018-08-20 · The Final Showdown
2018-08-13 · The End Of The World
2018-08-06 · A More Rational Kind Of Love
2018-07-30 · Death Troubles
2018-07-23 · True Love
2018-07-18 · At Least It's Not Des Moines