No narration. Just speech.
"Dude, my butthole."
"Not words I expected to come out of your mouth today."
"It really hurts!"
"This is not information I need."
"Please, just let me get this off my chest."
"Your butthole is on your chest?"
"Very funny. For real though, I can't explain it. It just hurts so much, for no reason."
"Okay, fine. Please talk about the pain in your butthole."
"Thank you."
"Wait, a question before you start: do I have to listen to what you say?"
"Well why else would I tell you?"
"You could just want someone to tell it to, regardless of whether they have anything to contribute afterwards."
"Yes, I would like you to actually listen to the things I'm about to say."
"About your butthole."
"Yes."
"Very well. Please, proceed."
"Okay. So you see-"
"I'm not going to look at it."
"I'm not asking you to look at it, I'm just starting my story."
"You told me to see it."
"No, I said 'so you see' as a casual way to begin my sentence."
"So you want me to casually look at your butthole?"
"I don't want you to look at it at all!"
"Then don't tell me I have to see it."
"I'm not- ...Let me start over."
"I wish you wouldn't."
"Last night, when I went to bed, everything was fine. My butthole felt normal."
"Do you often feel your butthole before going to sleep?"
"You know that's not what I meant."
"I'm just going by what you're telling me. If you tell me your butthole felt normal, I have to assume that you felt it. And that it felt like a butthole."
"This is a bad idea."
"I agree, feeling your butthole is a poor idea at the best of times."
"No, I mean telling you what happened. You're clearly not taking this seriously."
"I am responding directly to what you're telling me - the very definition of active listening, which is the most serious way to listen. I assure you, I'm taking this very seriously."
"You're sure?"
"I'm very sure. Some might even say I'm seriously sure... but those people would be buffoons."
"Okay. As long as you're taking me seriously."
"I assure you I am."
"Thank you. So like I said, last night my bu- ...last night everything was fine. But then this morning I woke up-"
"Do you usually not?"
"Please let me finish. This morning I woke up, and my butthole just hurt like the dickens."
"I see."
"It was the weirdest thing. Everything else is fine, just my butthole... it feels all chafed or something."
"Indeed."
"...Well?"
"Well what?"
"Well, what do you think?"
"I was waiting for you to finish so I can respond."
"I'm finished. You can respond."
"Well, the explanation is obvious, don't you think?"
"It's not obvious to me."
"Clearly it's aliens."
"...Aliens..."
"Yes, aliens."
"What makes you think it's aliens?"
"Everything you said about it."
"I don't see how you get aliens from any of that."
"Well, list things off."
"I went to bed feeling fine-"
"Because of no aliens."
"I woke up sore-"
"Because of aliens."
"It's only my butthole."
"Yes, because aliens."
"It's not aliens!"
"Tell me, aside from how you felt when you went to bed and when you woke up, how did you sleep? Did you sleep well, was your night fitful... how was it?"
"It was mostly fine. Had some weird dreams though. Like I was in bed but couldn't move."
"Right. That's aliens."
"You're really not letting this go, are you?"
"It's the only explanation that makes any sense."
"You're saying the most logical explanation for me waking up with a sore butthole is that aliens came down from space, and decided to shove things up my butt?"
"I never said they put things into you."
"You think they took things out of me!?"
"I don't know. I don't have enough information to draw any conclusions on what direction they might have moved things. Let me ask you though: do you feel lighter than you did yesterday, or heavier?"
"I feel about the same?"
"Why are you saying that like it's a question? Either you feel the same or you don't."
"Dude, I don't know!"
"It's too late then. The aliens are messing with your brain."
"It's not aliens!"
"How would you know? You were asleep the whole time."
"Because even if aliens are real, which, full disclosure, I believe they are, I'm pretty sure they have better things to do with their time than to come down here and experiment on my butthole."
"Not on your butthole - in your butthole."
"That doesn't make it any more likely!"
"Well, it certainly doesn't make it less likely."
"Look, it's not aliens. What other great theories do you have for it?"
"Well, if you discount the possibility of aliens-"
"I do."
"Then the only remaining explanation is someone entered your room while you were asleep, and penetrated you repeatedly. You didn't wake up, so that means the bed wasn't moving, so it would have been with a tool, say a steel rod or an extremely sturdy cucumber. Put simply, if it's not aliens, then someone wants your butt, and last night they took it."
"...So, aliens. Weird, right?"
2020-06-22 · Boss Music Intensifies
2020-06-15 · Accept the Unexpected
2020-06-08 · Failing The Test
2020-06-01 · Best Laid Plans
2020-05-25 · The End?
2020-05-18 · The Only Explanation
2020-05-11 · Personal Victory
2020-05-04 · Six Questions
2020-04-27 · It's A Team Effort
2020-04-20 · The More Things Change
2020-04-13 · It's All About Perspective
2020-04-06 · Fake It 'Til You Make It
2020-03-30 · Keeping It Clean
2020-03-23 · How To Save The World
2020-03-16 · Time For A Change
2020-03-09 · Music To My Ears
2020-03-02 · Unfamiliar Territory
2020-02-24 · Something From Nothing
2020-02-17 · The Times Are Changing
2020-02-10 · The Missing Piece
2020-02-03 · Wrong Place, Wrong Time
2020-01-27 · Overexposure
2020-01-20 · As Seen On TV
2020-01-13 · Written By A.I.
2020-01-06 · Promises Kept
2019-12-30 · Ringing It In
2019-12-23 · Happy Unspecified Seasonal Holiday!
2019-12-16 · The Lair
2019-12-09 · Time To Get Cracking
2019-12-02 · Not A Suicide
2019-11-25 · The One That Knows What Number It Is
2019-11-18 · Venting Frustrations
2019-11-11 · The Test Takers
2019-11-04 · Make Your Play
2019-10-28 · Horror With Smart People
2019-10-21 · The Interview
2019-10-14 · It Must Have Happened At Some Point
2019-10-07 · Work The Problem
2019-09-30 · Cogs in the Machine
2019-09-23 · First of One
2019-09-16 · Curse Your Inevitable Betrayal!
2019-09-09 · Be Brief
2019-09-02 · Changing Channels
2019-08-26 · It's A Process
2019-08-19 · Armed And Dangerous
2019-08-12 · Good Intentions
2019-08-05 · A Simple Procedure
2019-07-29 · Finale Feelings
2019-07-22 · Fun And Profit
2019-07-15 · It Builds Character
2019-07-08 · Aviator Safety
2019-06-24 · Something's Been Bugging Me
2019-06-17 · It's All About You
2019-05-27 · Rough Encounters
2019-05-20 · Wishes Three
2019-05-13 · A Gentle Nudge
2019-05-06 · A Simple Misunderstanding?
2019-04-29 · Don't Spoil It
2019-04-22 · Under Scrutiny
2019-04-15 · Prepare To Resist
2019-04-08 · Making Small Talk
2019-04-01 · The Crisis
2019-03-25 · Just Kidding
2019-03-18 · How About That Local Sports Team?
2019-03-11 · Public Engagement
2019-03-04 · The Hero We Need
2019-02-25 · The Negotiation
2019-02-18 · Executive Orders
2019-02-11 · The Talk
2019-02-04 · The Big Game
2019-01-28 · If It's A Girl...
2019-01-21 · The Nature Of Picasso
2019-01-14 · I'm Sorry, Ms. Jackson
2019-01-07 · Never Saw It Coming
2018-12-31 · Duelling ...Holidays?
2018-12-24 · Too Much Cheer
2018-12-17 · Taking Out The Trash
2018-12-10 · Let's Go To The Movies
2018-12-03 · Not For Donuts
2018-11-26 · Horizons Made Broad
2018-11-19 · It's The Journey That Matters
2018-11-12 · Anthing You Can Do...
2018-11-05 · Let's Call It "Laundry"
2018-10-29 · Unfriended
2018-10-22 · A Conversation About "Tacos"
2018-10-15 · Changes
2018-10-08 · An Adult-Sized Secret
2018-10-01 · Street War
2018-09-24 · Whither Whether Why
2018-09-17 · The Pitch
2018-09-10 · The One That's Meta
2018-09-03 · A Night At The Movies
2018-08-27 · We're Vampires
2018-08-20 · The Final Showdown
2018-08-13 · The End Of The World
2018-08-06 · A More Rational Kind Of Love
2018-07-30 · Death Troubles
2018-07-23 · True Love
2018-07-18 · At Least It's Not Des Moines