No narration. Just speech.
"Johnson."
"Johnson."
"Report."
"It was a quiet day."
"...All day?"
"No."
"Please elaborate."
"Well, I was sitting in my hotel room, minding my own business, when five of Cortez's thugs kicked in the door and ordered me to get on my knees. So then I said 'Why? I'm not your sister last night.'"
"Oh, Johnson..."
"He didn't take it well."
"You really must stop antagonizing people like that."
"So they started firing, and then I started firing, and then the maid came by and she started firing..."
"The maid had a gun?"
"What? Oh, no, the other thing. She got shot a lot."
"I see. And the end result?"
"Five dead thugs, and not a scratch on me. Also the maid had clean towels, so I took a shower."
"In your blood-soaked hotel room."
"I needed one, what with all the killing."
"I see."
"That I did."
"Yes."
"Of Cortez's men."
"Who killed the maid?"
"Who's to say? Look, the point is, you don't need to pay for room service any more."
"I wasn't paying for it in the first place, it's included in the cost of the room that you are paying for."
"That's not what this credit card says."
"Johnson, how much damage have you done to that hotel?"
"That depends."
"What exactly does it depend on?"
"Are we talking today, or since I got here?"
"Let's start with today."
"This room."
"And since you got there?"
"Every other room. And the lobby. Did you know barbells thrown as javelins can kill people?"
"I didn't want to know that."
"But now you do, and your life has been enriched, by me. Telling you about projectile barbells."
"Thank you."
"I had one guy chasing me on a treadmill. It took him a full minute to figure out he could just step off of it. It was hilarious. He's dead now."
"So how many of Cortez's men have you killed since you got there?"
"Yes."
"Yes?"
"Yes."
"I don't know what that means."
"It means I've killed Cortez's men."
"But how many?"
"All of them."
"Cortez has hundreds of men."
"H-yeah."
"You only went down there with one gun and three magazines."
"I had to improvise, because somebody wouldn't let me bring all my toys. Did you know that you really can beat someone to death with another person's leg? It's actually a thing!"
"So what about Cortez?"
"What about him?"
"Is he dead too?"
"I am excited to say that he is continuing to withstand my foot to his groin."
"Your what now?"
"Hmm? Sorry, reception's bad here in ...Seattle... gotta go!"
2020-06-22 · Boss Music Intensifies
2020-06-15 · Accept the Unexpected
2020-06-08 · Failing The Test
2020-06-01 · Best Laid Plans
2020-05-25 · The End?
2020-05-18 · The Only Explanation
2020-05-11 · Personal Victory
2020-05-04 · Six Questions
2020-04-27 · It's A Team Effort
2020-04-20 · The More Things Change
2020-04-13 · It's All About Perspective
2020-04-06 · Fake It 'Til You Make It
2020-03-30 · Keeping It Clean
2020-03-23 · How To Save The World
2020-03-16 · Time For A Change
2020-03-09 · Music To My Ears
2020-03-02 · Unfamiliar Territory
2020-02-24 · Something From Nothing
2020-02-17 · The Times Are Changing
2020-02-10 · The Missing Piece
2020-02-03 · Wrong Place, Wrong Time
2020-01-27 · Overexposure
2020-01-20 · As Seen On TV
2020-01-13 · Written By A.I.
2020-01-06 · Promises Kept
2019-12-30 · Ringing It In
2019-12-23 · Happy Unspecified Seasonal Holiday!
2019-12-16 · The Lair
2019-12-09 · Time To Get Cracking
2019-12-02 · Not A Suicide
2019-11-25 · The One That Knows What Number It Is
2019-11-18 · Venting Frustrations
2019-11-11 · The Test Takers
2019-11-04 · Make Your Play
2019-10-28 · Horror With Smart People
2019-10-21 · The Interview
2019-10-14 · It Must Have Happened At Some Point
2019-10-07 · Work The Problem
2019-09-30 · Cogs in the Machine
2019-09-23 · First of One
2019-09-16 · Curse Your Inevitable Betrayal!
2019-09-09 · Be Brief
2019-09-02 · Changing Channels
2019-08-26 · It's A Process
2019-08-19 · Armed And Dangerous
2019-08-12 · Good Intentions
2019-08-05 · A Simple Procedure
2019-07-29 · Finale Feelings
2019-07-22 · Fun And Profit
2019-07-15 · It Builds Character
2019-07-08 · Aviator Safety
2019-06-24 · Something's Been Bugging Me
2019-06-17 · It's All About You
2019-05-27 · Rough Encounters
2019-05-20 · Wishes Three
2019-05-13 · A Gentle Nudge
2019-05-06 · A Simple Misunderstanding?
2019-04-29 · Don't Spoil It
2019-04-22 · Under Scrutiny
2019-04-15 · Prepare To Resist
2019-04-08 · Making Small Talk
2019-04-01 · The Crisis
2019-03-25 · Just Kidding
2019-03-18 · How About That Local Sports Team?
2019-03-11 · Public Engagement
2019-03-04 · The Hero We Need
2019-02-25 · The Negotiation
2019-02-18 · Executive Orders
2019-02-11 · The Talk
2019-02-04 · The Big Game
2019-01-28 · If It's A Girl...
2019-01-21 · The Nature Of Picasso
2019-01-14 · I'm Sorry, Ms. Jackson
2019-01-07 · Never Saw It Coming
2018-12-31 · Duelling ...Holidays?
2018-12-24 · Too Much Cheer
2018-12-17 · Taking Out The Trash
2018-12-10 · Let's Go To The Movies
2018-12-03 · Not For Donuts
2018-11-26 · Horizons Made Broad
2018-11-19 · It's The Journey That Matters
2018-11-12 · Anthing You Can Do...
2018-11-05 · Let's Call It "Laundry"
2018-10-29 · Unfriended
2018-10-22 · A Conversation About "Tacos"
2018-10-15 · Changes
2018-10-08 · An Adult-Sized Secret
2018-10-01 · Street War
2018-09-24 · Whither Whether Why
2018-09-17 · The Pitch
2018-09-10 · The One That's Meta
2018-09-03 · A Night At The Movies
2018-08-27 · We're Vampires
2018-08-20 · The Final Showdown
2018-08-13 · The End Of The World
2018-08-06 · A More Rational Kind Of Love
2018-07-30 · Death Troubles
2018-07-23 · True Love
2018-07-18 · At Least It's Not Des Moines