No narration. Just speech.
"I entered confidently, taking in the room as it surrounded me."
"What are you doing?"
"I'm self-narrating, since our writer doesn't seem to want to do it."
"You can't self-narrate."
"I looked at him with a puzzled expression. Of course I can. See? I just did it. You should try it, it's fun."
"No, we can't self-narrate; that defeats the whole purpose."
"Look, someone has to narrate, and if it's not going to be our writer, it may as well be us."
"Okay, okay, fine, let me give this a try. I looked at him like he was an idiot, secure in my knowledge that my penis was bigger than his."
"What? What does any of that have to do with anything?"
"You told me to self-narrate. That's what I'm doing."
"Let me get this straight: when we're talking with each other, you are actively thinking about who has the bigger penis?"
"What? No, don't be ridiculous, I answered, scratching my balls. I don't have to think about who has the bigger penis, because I know for a fact it's me. I have a bigger penis than you."
"Why is this even an issue?"
"I smirked at him derisively. You're jealous."
"I am not jealous!"
"Of course you are. I know I'd be jealous if I told someone to do something, and they ended up being better at it than me."
"What do you- are you talking about the self-narration?"
"Of course I am, I responded, verbally coddling him like a toddler. What else would I be talking about?"
"I thought you were talking about our penises."
"Why would I talk about your penis? Seriously, I wonder about you sometimes."
"The first thing you said in your self-narration was that you have a bigger penis than me!"
"True."
"Right. I- wait, do you mean it's true that that's the first thing you said, or do you mean it's true that your penis is bigger than mine, I asked quizzically?"
"Yes."
"...Yes it's what you said, or yes it's bigger?"
"Right."
"Do you agree that the first thing you narrated was a comparison of our penis sizes?"
"What?"
"This is stupid."
"What do you mean, I asked with a puzzled expression?"
"Why do I hang out with you?"
"Because you know that someone has to swing the big dick, and that it's not you."
"See, there you go again! Or... wait, do you mean literally big dick, or metaphorical big dick, like being confident and cocksure?"
"He asked, trying desperately to make a pun that would actually work for once in his miserable life."
"That's it, I'm done. No more self-narration."
"He complained, deciding to run like a sissy girl instead of stand up for himself."
"You're a dick."
"No- I just have the bigger one."
"I walked away, having decided that self-narration is stupid and not to be attempted."
"You see what I have to put up with, readers? It's sad, isn't it? And this is the most creative thing he's come up with in months."
"I'm going to stab you in the eye with a fork!"
"So sad."
"I hate you!"
"I exited the room, leaving him to wallow in his own worthless self-remorse at how sad a figure he is."
"And yours isn't bigger!"
"So sad."
2020-06-22 · Boss Music Intensifies
2020-06-15 · Accept the Unexpected
2020-06-08 · Failing The Test
2020-06-01 · Best Laid Plans
2020-05-25 · The End?
2020-05-18 · The Only Explanation
2020-05-11 · Personal Victory
2020-05-04 · Six Questions
2020-04-27 · It's A Team Effort
2020-04-20 · The More Things Change
2020-04-13 · It's All About Perspective
2020-04-06 · Fake It 'Til You Make It
2020-03-30 · Keeping It Clean
2020-03-23 · How To Save The World
2020-03-16 · Time For A Change
2020-03-09 · Music To My Ears
2020-03-02 · Unfamiliar Territory
2020-02-24 · Something From Nothing
2020-02-17 · The Times Are Changing
2020-02-10 · The Missing Piece
2020-02-03 · Wrong Place, Wrong Time
2020-01-27 · Overexposure
2020-01-20 · As Seen On TV
2020-01-13 · Written By A.I.
2020-01-06 · Promises Kept
2019-12-30 · Ringing It In
2019-12-23 · Happy Unspecified Seasonal Holiday!
2019-12-16 · The Lair
2019-12-09 · Time To Get Cracking
2019-12-02 · Not A Suicide
2019-11-25 · The One That Knows What Number It Is
2019-11-18 · Venting Frustrations
2019-11-11 · The Test Takers
2019-11-04 · Make Your Play
2019-10-28 · Horror With Smart People
2019-10-21 · The Interview
2019-10-14 · It Must Have Happened At Some Point
2019-10-07 · Work The Problem
2019-09-30 · Cogs in the Machine
2019-09-23 · First of One
2019-09-16 · Curse Your Inevitable Betrayal!
2019-09-09 · Be Brief
2019-09-02 · Changing Channels
2019-08-26 · It's A Process
2019-08-19 · Armed And Dangerous
2019-08-12 · Good Intentions
2019-08-05 · A Simple Procedure
2019-07-29 · Finale Feelings
2019-07-22 · Fun And Profit
2019-07-15 · It Builds Character
2019-07-08 · Aviator Safety
2019-06-24 · Something's Been Bugging Me
2019-06-17 · It's All About You
2019-05-27 · Rough Encounters
2019-05-20 · Wishes Three
2019-05-13 · A Gentle Nudge
2019-05-06 · A Simple Misunderstanding?
2019-04-29 · Don't Spoil It
2019-04-22 · Under Scrutiny
2019-04-15 · Prepare To Resist
2019-04-08 · Making Small Talk
2019-04-01 · The Crisis
2019-03-25 · Just Kidding
2019-03-18 · How About That Local Sports Team?
2019-03-11 · Public Engagement
2019-03-04 · The Hero We Need
2019-02-25 · The Negotiation
2019-02-18 · Executive Orders
2019-02-11 · The Talk
2019-02-04 · The Big Game
2019-01-28 · If It's A Girl...
2019-01-21 · The Nature Of Picasso
2019-01-14 · I'm Sorry, Ms. Jackson
2019-01-07 · Never Saw It Coming
2018-12-31 · Duelling ...Holidays?
2018-12-24 · Too Much Cheer
2018-12-17 · Taking Out The Trash
2018-12-10 · Let's Go To The Movies
2018-12-03 · Not For Donuts
2018-11-26 · Horizons Made Broad
2018-11-19 · It's The Journey That Matters
2018-11-12 · Anthing You Can Do...
2018-11-05 · Let's Call It "Laundry"
2018-10-29 · Unfriended
2018-10-22 · A Conversation About "Tacos"
2018-10-15 · Changes
2018-10-08 · An Adult-Sized Secret
2018-10-01 · Street War
2018-09-24 · Whither Whether Why
2018-09-17 · The Pitch
2018-09-10 · The One That's Meta
2018-09-03 · A Night At The Movies
2018-08-27 · We're Vampires
2018-08-20 · The Final Showdown
2018-08-13 · The End Of The World
2018-08-06 · A More Rational Kind Of Love
2018-07-30 · Death Troubles
2018-07-23 · True Love
2018-07-18 · At Least It's Not Des Moines